Whether we are adult children caregivers, spousal caregivers or a caregiver for some other person with whom we have a history, there are bound to be some issues from the past that would popularly be called “baggage.” Baggage is often thought of negatively, but it’s not always so. It simply means that we have complications that have evolved from the relationship over time, and these mindsets still affect our lives.

Whether you are caring for a parent who didn’t do a good job of caring for you, or you are caring for a beloved parent or spouse who now has Alzheimer’s or another disease that changes their personality, you are bringing your relationship history with you. If you want to be a caregiver who not only does the job well, but with a reasonable amount of serenity, you may need to do what is suggested in this excellent Mayo Clinic blog post. Angela Lunde’s post speaks to “reframing” the relationship.

Re-imagining how a relationship can now be

No relationship that covers any time span will be without some emotional pain. Letting go of that pain by realizing the person was doing the best he or she could, given the tools that person had, can help a great deal. Sometimes, it takes professional counseling to let go of resentments from the past.

At times, resetting or reframing the relationship isn’t about letting go of past hurts, but of letting go of expectations. We expect that the present will be the same as the past. This often happens when a beloved spouse’s or parent’s personality changes drastically because of Alzheimer’s disease or some other dementia.

Lunde’s post vividly describes the experience of a spousal caregiving situation and how this person reframes his wife’s current behavior because of her disease:

A couple weeks ago, Nick wrote that his wife of 46 years with Alzheimer’s throws his clothes away. She believes he’s having an affair and that his clothes are from the other woman. If Nick were to get angry and react to her accusations, he’d be allowing his wife, a person with a disease that destroys rational thinking and judgment, to determine his mood. Reframing (rethinking) his relationship can help Nick accept that her dementia is speaking these accusatory words, not her. This releases Nick from interpreting what his wife says as a personal attack on him.

No matter who you are caring for, you will have major adjustments to make as your care receiver declines mentally and/or physically. Unfair or not, the burden of adjustment is on you, the caregiver. When my dad’s brain surgery sent him into instant dementia, I knew I had to adjust the way I thought of my dad in order to help him. He deserved my best efforts, given in love, even though his personality was changed. Underneath the dementia he was the same wonderful man he’d always been. The changes in his personality came from his damaged brain and I–and the rest of the family–had to learn to work within that framework.

Some serenity can come from accepting the person as he or she is now, and re-setting or reframing the relationship in the present light. Painful? Sometimes, yes. But not as painful as a fruitless pursuit of a life that isn’t possible.

Finding a realistic way to cope with life as it comes our way can ease the frustration and help us cope.

Posted in Alzheimer’s, Caregiving, Support | 2 Comments »
Tags: Alzheimer's disease, family relationships and caregiving