Several years back, when I was writing “Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories,” 3 of my elders lived in a nursing facility. I visited daily, and I saw a pattern of other caregivers visiting their loved ones. At the time, I was rather surprised at the number of men who were primary caregivers.
I tracked down a few of these men, and included their stories in a one in four ratio of male to female caregivers interviewed for my book. Shortly after the book was published, I realized that I’d inadvertently hit the nail on the head with the estimated ratio of male to female caregivers nationwide.
A recent post by John Whyte, M.D., MPH.Chief Medical Expert and VP, Health and Medical Education at Discovery Channel and published on the Huffington Post site is titled Men: The New Caregivers? . Whyte’s post mentions that the number of male caregivers is now closer to 35 percent. That’s great news. There have been books written by male caregivers and there are websites run by male caregivers. Mostly, there are many, many male caregivers working away just as hard as their female counterparts. Yes, some are “just” handling the financial end from afar. But hands-on male caregivers abound.
Three male caregivers come to my mind immediately, as I’ve interacted with them on various levels for quite some time. One is a man who has cared for his wife who has had severe, progressive multiple sclerosis, for decades. The couple is now in their eighties. These folks were friends of my parents and I’ll never forget them.
Another male caregiver is a loyal reader of mine who cares for his wife who has Alzheimer’s disease. This couple, too, is in their eighties. A little at a time, they have hired some outside help to come into their home, but the husband has done the lion’s share of caregiving for years. He’s shared many stories and tips with me, some of which I’ve passed on to readers.
The third man who comes to mind has, for 27 years, cared for his daughter who has severe disabilities. This caring father is a “guy’s guy,” but is not afraid to let his caring, gentle side show. Caring for his daughter has always been the natural thing for him to do.
Whyte’s article mentions what I would call “societal training,” that says men can’t be the gentle caregiver without being seen by society as “less manly.” The example he used is a man caring for his mother may be seen as a “mamma’s boy.”
Thankfully, if this mentality ever existed, it’s slowly changing. The men I’ve noted have never been afraid of societal misperceptions and I know there are many other men like them.
As Editor-in-Chief of Eldercarelink.com, I’ve wanted to increase our representation of male caregivers. Please comment if you have time. I’d love to hear from you.
Posted in Caregiving, Caring At Home, Support | 6 Comments »
It’s good to hear from you, Leah. You are right, the day could come for you, and for that matter, any of us, who may have illnesses we don’t even know about.
Husbands and sons have been stepping up to the plate in more ways than “hands-off- caregiving for a long time, though not in the numbers that – especially daughters – have been. I would guess that male spousal caregivers are nearly as large in numbers as female.
Take care, Leah, and thanks for your thoughts.
Carol
Your article about male caregivers struck a chord with me, Carol. As someone with vascular dementia, I know that the day may come when my husband has to assume more caregiving over me. It’s comforting to know that men can have the compassion to be caregivers. It is definitely an area that most don’t hear about! Thank you for bringing it into the forefront!
Thanks, Chris! Your take on what you brought out of the experience is very helpful to many. I hope you’ll chime in on many posts and articles, as there’s nothing like firsthand experience. Caregivers helping each other, to me, is first line defense against burnout and other tough stuff.
Blessings,
Carol
Carol…Thanks for your post; as a (male) caregiver for my deceased partner, I cherished our time together and was honored to be a part of his healthy transition to eternal life. While there were many stressful days during our last 18 months together, it pales by comparison the utter joy that this meaningful experience brought to both of us.
There are a number of men and women who do not have the make up to be caregivers…and you know, that is OK because it is not a role that is suited for everyone.
Those who fit into the role, know that it is an honor to be a caregiver, especially when you are able to help facilitate a beautiful sunset to a loved one life
I will look forward to reading more of your post.
Kind Regards,
Chris MacLellan
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Bob. I do try to single out men, occasionally, as they often get overlooked.
As an aside, I advise many folks to experts like you when they are in need.
Take care,
Carol
Great post, Carol. As an elder law attorney, my nonscientific observation is that women carry the lion’s (lioness’s?) share of the caregiving. That being said, I have seen some real hero dads and husbands step up to the challenges and rewards of caregiving. I can think of a couple who simultaneously cared for a spouse AND an adult child with disabilities. They were inspiring people. Thanks for the post.
Bob Mason